so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
