dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
