I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
