the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
