we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize