first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
