I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
