Kiss
Puke
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
