My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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