she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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