I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
