Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
