Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize