I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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