I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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