where am i from again
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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