He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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