life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
