The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
