Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
