I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
