She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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