So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize