Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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