Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
