My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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