I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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