His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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