i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
