I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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