I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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