I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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