I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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