This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
