Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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