Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
