new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
