Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
