I am spending my child support on dildos
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
