I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
