my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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