you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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