Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
what day is it and did you see me today?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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