What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
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