One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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