apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
