Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
