I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
