I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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