I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize