I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
