Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize