He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
