I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
