guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
