I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Terrible idea I love it
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
