Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
