I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
