Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
