I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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