You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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