he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
