You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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