so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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