He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
