I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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