i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
